Occupation: Comedian Birth: May 31, 1894 Death: March 17, 1956
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt..
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized..
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done..
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it..
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure..
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap..
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion..
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips..
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference..
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'….
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted..
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me..
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it..
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners..
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans..
Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as can….
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary..
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars..
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything..
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back..
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now..