Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any s….

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented..

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you're going? I don't even pay attention to them anymore because I found a ….

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew..

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian..

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker..

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts..

Don't go back over your life with a red pen..

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile..

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you..

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it..

The other thing is that I'm a pretty moody guy, but no one really wants to see a normal-looking guy complain about things or talk about being unhappy….

Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the s….

My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it's like he's spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, ….

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself..

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates..

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included..

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record..

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audie….

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coa….