I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a….

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I….

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, dont laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as g….

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing..

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those ….

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life..

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands..

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked..

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway..

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny..

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami..

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlo….

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever..

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George M….

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me..

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things..

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tr….

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt….

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accep….

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks..

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better..