For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache..

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za..

Who controls the images? Ultimately, we don't control the images. This is the minimum we're allowed to ask for: we don't get to control most of the m….

I've always looked older..

People always talk about the content, in terms of the politics of it or whatever social issues are in it, and it's like, "Yeah, but I'm also a good c….

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't..

I like playing with that space between laughter and discomfort where your discomfort can also make you laugh, and you're confused about the mixed fee….

I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans….

Just give us 50 years where we're the only ones who are allowed to profit from art, and then you can do whoever you want. In fact, I'll buy you the p….

I'd love for someone to ask me about comedic technique and choices..

It would be cool for someone to ask me about some of the structural choices I make with my albums..

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in….

When I go to a bar or a party, I feel like a student invited me to the kegger, and I actually ended up going. And everyone's shocked: "Oh, my god, pr….

New Zealanders are so chill. I know they say Australians are chill, and I feel like Australians are chill, but I keep thinking, "If they get drunk, t….

When you're a person of color in white America, you know white people. You know why you know white people? Because you can't enjoy any kind of entert….

I am frozen musically somewhere around 2004..

If I was just allowed to talk and handle the whole thing by myself without the audience interrupting with laughter, the show would be much more inter….

I always have a bit of a look, a bit of a frown..

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani..

I never learned how to tie my shoes, and I was mocked for that. I still don't know how to..

It's a sick thing, right: people are afraid of public speaking. I do public speaking, except my public speaking involves the audience only having one….