Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock..

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are..

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!".

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it..

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible..

I live about four muggings from Central Park..

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!".

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn.".

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of..

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!".

We aim to please... You aim too, please..

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen….

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake.".

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!".

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself..

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live..

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him..

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope..

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler..

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?.