I am completely pissed off that I'm circumcised..

Set about doing good to somebody. Put on your hat and go and visit the sick and poor of your neighborhood; inquire into their circumstances and mini….

Here's what happens when you die--you sit in a box and get eaten by worms. I guarantee you that when you die, nothing cool happens..

It causes me great pain to sue the company I work for. Nevertheless, I had to do it. Suffice it to say, there's a dispute and I believe I haven't bee….

I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring..

I really didn't know much about the Libertarians. I knew they were for less government and more individual freedom. I liked that..

I've never come into anything successful before. I've always been hired by horrible radio stations with horrendous reputations and nothing to lose..

Rick Shapiro is a top comedian..

Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low..

I think I'm probably a little too desperate to be successful..

I've actually apologized to some people I was a real jerk to, because I feel ashamed. I didn't need to be that hungry. There was something going on i….

When you hire me, you hire a nut who is going to work 24 hours a day for you and never, ever burn his audience..

Every time I went on the radio, I would take the crummiest radio station, the station that was like a toilet bowl. I would go on there and build up t….

I've always thought that a name says a lot about a person. So naturally, being named Howard, I always wanted to crawl into a hole..

There's just too many people being bullied, too many people's lives being wrecked. This is something that is long overdue. We all have gay and lesbia….

I still feel like I gotta prove something. There are a lot of people hoping I fail. But I like that. I need to be hated..

I don't think any religion makes any sense and I think people who are into that are really getting duped, and I don't think Judaism makes any more se….

I wanted to go hide. I wasn't looking to be more famous, I'm famous enough..

It's no treat being in bed with me..

I'm not a good listener some times. I'm too much of a control freak. I'm learning to be better. I was so caught up in just getting the job done that ….

I'm for legalizing marijuana. Why pick on those drugs? Valium is legal. You just go to a doctor and get it and overdose on it - what's the difference….