I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can..

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic..

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life..

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference….

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too..

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public..

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring..

I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get c….

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic.….

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sn….

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs..

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey w….

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm no….

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mex….

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches..

You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room..

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out..

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July..

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for ….

We've all been there, onstage. You say something you don't mean, you make fun of something on accident but... This wasn't that. This wasn't crowd wor….

You can't go to the bathroom alone... you might not come back. Cause no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woma….