There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc..

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank….

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper..

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter..

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice..

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now..

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid..

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but ….

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it..

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian..

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too..

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, s….

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my ….

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot c….

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter..

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a ….

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his….

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, whi….

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, bu….

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy..

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes i….