Modesty is my best quality..

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe..

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank….

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it..

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian..

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now..

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too..

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy..

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs..

Gags die, humor doesn't..

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air..

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid..

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter..

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old..

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, s….

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc..

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more..

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse..

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the fu….

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either..

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray..