The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give ….

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting an….

Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her on….

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress..

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world.….

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!.

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return….

Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me..

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country t….

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a dr….

People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as ne….

Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his..

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my g….

The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the la….

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and co….

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen..

Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them..

Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they….

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different….

A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people..

Predictions are preposterous..