I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time..

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out..

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world..

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart..

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody..

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out..

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow..

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was….

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast..

His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconq….

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me..

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness..

I model irregular clothing..

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults..

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm..

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it..

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but a….

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality..

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.