A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked..

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults..

I model irregular clothing..

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it..

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but a….

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out..

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconq….

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality..

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness..

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm..

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time..

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was….

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out..

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world..

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart..

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody..

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow..

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast..

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me..

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?.