Well, the problem is, it's not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I'm pretty much one of the best people I know..

See, when you're a little kid, nobody ever warns you that you've got an expiration date. One day you're hot stuff and the next day you're a dirt sand….

The only reason I get out of bed at all on weekends is because eventually I can't stand the taste of my own breath any more..

I labored for eight years thinking that I was writing a book for adults that was a nostalgic look back on childhood. Then my publisher informed me I'….

I'm probably something like 95% chicken nugget.

You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you..

Because it's our choices that makes us who we are..

You and your group of nerds fall into a pit and it's full of dynamite and you blow up. The End..

So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear..

... no matter how nice you are to some people, they'll turn their back on you the second they get the chance..

My advice to authors would be to try to do something original rather than to try to anticipate what the market is looking for..

I`m basically one of the best people I know..

fish and visitors stink in 3 days..

I think humor is key [to a successful middle-grade novel]. Kids like to read for entertainment, and the best way to entertain kids is to make them la….

Dear Aunt Loretta, Thank you so much for the awesome pants! How did you know I wanted that for Christmas? I love the way the pants look on my legs! A….

I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place..

When you're used to having electricity and then all of a sudden it's taken away, you're basically just one step from being a wild animal..

I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley..

I realised all the good ideas were taken before I was even born..

I don't know what a guy needs to do to impress a girl these days..

Greg starts a middle school and asks: Why is "bullies" such a big PROBLEM? And says people need to shave twice a day..