When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact..

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on..

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be..

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged..

People are not afraid to be very direct with police. And I think that's part of the problem is that people are angry at the cops and then the cops ar….

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. ….

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents..

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?.

The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out..

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped in….

With everybody having a Facebook and a Twitter, I feel like regular people consider themselves stars. It's a live, real-time upload of every time we ….

I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move..

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up..

Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances..

Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne nev….

I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk ….

Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating..

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody..

I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too muc….

I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time..