Life has to keep going, so you can either be a victim the rest of your life and let it drag you down into drugs and alcohol and depression or you can….

The real question is how do you stay funny in your 70s and 80s? And that's a real accomplishment, you know, the longevity..

I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move..

The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out..

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be..

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?.

Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne nev….

People are not afraid to be very direct with police. And I think that's part of the problem is that people are angry at the cops and then the cops ar….

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. ….

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents..

Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating..

With everybody having a Facebook and a Twitter, I feel like regular people consider themselves stars. It's a live, real-time upload of every time we ….

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped in….

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged..

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up..

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on..

I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk ….

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody..

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact..

Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances..