From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay court….

You might as well like yourself; just think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you..

People say, "How would you like to be remembered?" I don't want to be remembered. Gimme a break. What I want is to hear what's great about me now. Le….

If I found the cure for dystrophy tomorrow, I would do a telethon in four weeks for acute pain that in this country is a bigger problem than cancer, ….

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands..

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor..

Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life..

The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the othe….

You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter..

People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius..

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose..

It'll keep you alive for another 10 years if you get yourself a laugh once a day: either provoke it, or look around in the wildest laboratory in the ….

A lot of people resent that I've been in someone's life for 50 years. Why shouldn't people have an affection for me and what I've done? Didn't I have….

If you think childlike, you'll stay young. If you keep your energy going, and do everything with a little flair, you're gunna stay young. But most pe….

I think the cartoons that they're children are watching, particularly 'The Simpsons,' they're OK. I think that the adult audience is making much too ….

A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brin….

I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize the….

For those who understand, no explaination is needed...For those who don't, none will do..

I get paid for what most kids get punished for..

I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already..

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get ….