You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish..

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets..

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance..

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success..

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for..

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, o….

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means t….

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?.

If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, prete….

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to..

I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking abou….

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason..

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's….

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?.

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As y….

You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around….

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by ….

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom..

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well….

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague..