The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning..

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful ….

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off..

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'..

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? ….

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal..

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “….

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers..

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. T….

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant..

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's ….

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen..

Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a l….

I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwe….

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon..

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?.

No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending f….

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in wate….

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food..