Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other..

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accide….

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the posit….

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'..

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors..

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder y….

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?".

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat..

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetari….

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids..

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton..

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'..

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door ….

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand..

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident..

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes..

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen..

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine..

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but ….

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear….