My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door ….

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids..

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetari….

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other..

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen..

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand..

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes..

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?".

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the posit….

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat..

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder y….

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'..

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton..

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident..

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but ….

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accide….

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine..

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors..

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help t….

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'..