Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is..

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..

I was hurt so deep that I made up my mind never to hurt anybody else, no matter what. I never made jokes about anybody's big ears, their stut-terin',….

I hate music, especially when it's played..

What's a depression? The dictionary says a depression is a dent. And what's a dent? Everybody knows a dent is a hole. And what's a hole? You tell me ….

Nobody realizes that I work 18 hours-a-day for a solid month to make that TV hour look like it's never been rehearsed!.

Man is the only animal that can be skinned more than once..

To his orchestra Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place..

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did..

At four o'clock in the morning most people have been asleep for hours, but at four o'clock in the morning the night-club children of a few years ago ….

What did Napolean do for relaxation? He read a book. What did Lincoln do for relaxation? He read a book. What does Congress do for relaxation? They b….

Me and my big mouth! I'd get rid of it, only it's such a handy place to keep my teeth..

All of us have schnozzles... if not in our faces, then in our character, minds or habits. When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we….

Don't put no constrictions on da people. Leave 'em ta hell alone..

It dawned on me then that as long as I could laugh, I was safe from the world; and I have learned since that laughter keeps me safe from myself, too..

Don't put no constrictions on da people! Leave 'em the hell alone!.

Be awfully nice to them going up, because you're gonna meet them all coming down..

That's the conditions that prevail!.

Make someone happy, Make just one someone happy, And you will be happy, too..

Now you know that you can't go wrong... If you start each day with a song..

My nose isn't big. I just happen to have a very small head..