You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary..

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made..

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening..

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending..

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it..

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it..

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you..

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better..

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again..

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware..

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio..

I use a smoke alarm as a timer..

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it..

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking..

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny..

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he ….

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were ….

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so yo….

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train..

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library ….