It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money..

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them..

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink..

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play..

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty..

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves..

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise..

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors..

It pays to get drunk with the best people..

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough..

Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better..

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel..

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim..

I always wake up at the crack of ice..

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin..

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks..

We can afford almost any mistake once..

I drink to forget I drink..

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on..

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster..