Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is:….

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today..

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy..

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak..

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his val….

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead..

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is ….

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, a….

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do..

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples..

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself..

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours..

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized..

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners..

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill..

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives..

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty..

I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted [The Tonight Show]?" I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed ….

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead..

People will pay more to be entertained than educated..