What do you call a planet where bad guys stroll through life with success draped around their shoulders like a King’s cloak, while random horrors are….

I seriously think I could have sat in the middle of the kitchen floor rubbing two sticks together over a pile of dynamite blocks and gasoline cans, a….

If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too..

I dove on those papers like Sherlock Holmes on a cappuccino binge..

Some kids do drugs. Some kids light stuff on fire. Me, I eat oats..

Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change.

But nobody ever tells you in advance when you should concentrate on the good times-that's why you're supposed to do it every day..

And if there was one thing I'd finally figured out, it was that your mind is something you always CAN change..

Annette had kissed me. Who would’a thunk it?.

Mr. Watras asked me whether I was practicing, and I told him I was practicing my tissue basketball skills..

Did you really JUST fall, Jeffrey? Why does everybody in my family talk in these dramatic CAPITAL LETTERS all the time? Why am I the only calm one?.

A typical weeknight when he was home like this: 1. Sit down and try to do homework. 2. Get interrupted by Jeffrey: “Please play with me!” 3. Ignore b….

I’ll probably just stand in a corner, trying not to be noticed, until the decoration committee accidentally packs me into a box at the end of the nig….

Finally the kitchen clock said 5:17. It was time to roll out. I shouted for my mom, woke Jeffrey up, ran upstairs, changed into my concert clothes, p….

It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launc….

Hi, Tad!' she said. 'Hi, Jeff! Hey, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?' 'Uh, no,' I said. 'We were just...I mean, Tad was...uh, nope.' 'So what wer….

You can be our critic. Would you dig that? (Yes, he was the last Man in America who could say “dig” with a straight face without referring to the pro….

It was like seeing Bill Gates at age thirteen, times two. And half of him was wearing a cheerleader uniform. Yes, I know that’s a weird image..

There are really no guidelines whatsoever, because this is the kind of thing that only happens to ME..

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as any….

Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor. Person #1: And how's that working out for you? Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia. Pers….