There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on a….

You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle..

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding..

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?.

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit..

I saw a bee have a heart attack..

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big question….

I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture..

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door..

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine..

If you can't do it, don't do it..

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age..

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff..

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight..

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get ri….

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things..

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous..

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out..

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot..