Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight..

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff..

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things..

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door..

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit..

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot..

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out..

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good.

I saw a bee have a heart attack..

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?.

When i was younger i remember once i went to bed and i was so happy that i laughed myself to sleep..

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big question….

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding..

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get ri….

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on a….

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age..

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous..

You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle..

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off..