I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your ….

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome..

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free..

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set ….

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground..

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else..

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go..

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths..

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it..

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground..

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me..

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up..

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe..

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write….

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. ….

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her..

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes..