The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!.

Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business..

You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble..

Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break..

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbren….

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage..

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it..

A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn't know any women..

The sacred exists only at the expense of the truth..

You have the establishment and then you have the hippies revolting against the establishment, and what you end up getting are like accountants with l….

You have to imbue the characters with their own sort of feeling of justification and morality. Everyone has that, whether we see them as evil or not.….

I'm not trying to write a bleak and blistering screed against American civilization. I'm writing something that I hope is fun and satirical and full ….

I can't think of a performer who is better on television than in person..

Being an Olympian is the ultimate test of one's sporting ability..

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!.

You know that a given in life in human nature, is that at a sporting event, a baseball game, a football game, you never introduce a politician, is be….

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once..

People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television..

The thing that you're faulted on today is not that you are too tough, or not that you aren't careful. It's that you might have been too soft. People ….

Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. ….

I think even the characters that are fundamentally evil and wrong, I want people to really love them. I think that's important to writing believable ….