If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel..

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny..

I think you can't write with anger. I think it always has to be with a wink. There always has to be an element of hope in what you write. Otherwise y….

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!.

I can't think of a performer who is better on television than in person..

You know that a given in life in human nature, is that at a sporting event, a baseball game, a football game, you never introduce a politician, is be….

Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. ….

You have to imbue the characters with their own sort of feeling of justification and morality. Everyone has that, whether we see them as evil or not.….

I think even the characters that are fundamentally evil and wrong, I want people to really love them. I think that's important to writing believable ….

I'm not trying to write a bleak and blistering screed against American civilization. I'm writing something that I hope is fun and satirical and full ….

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once..

The thing that you're faulted on today is not that you are too tough, or not that you aren't careful. It's that you might have been too soft. People ….

Being an Olympian is the ultimate test of one's sporting ability..

People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television..

The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!.

Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business..

You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble..

Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break..

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbren….

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage..

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it..