Mark Twain

How often we recall with regret that Napoleon once shot at a magazine editor and missed him and killed a publisher. But we remember with charity that his intentions were good.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR per G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

When there was room on the ledge outside of the pots and boxes for a cat, the cat was there- in sunny weather- stretched at full length, asleep and blissful, with her furry belly to the sun and a paw curved over her nose.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

Patriotism is merely a religion-love of country, worship of country, devotion to the country's flag and honor and welfare.

Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.

Benaras is older than history, older than tradition, older even than legend, and looks twice as old as all of them put together!

There have been innumerable Temporary Seekers after the Truth-have you ever heard of a permanent one?

In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. I know this by my own experience, & to this day I cherish an unappeased bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do that and ever draw a clean sweet breath again on this side of the grave.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.