Mark Twain

Don't wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality

I wonder if God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: "Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.

To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, "Our Country, right or wrong," and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation?

Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person.

He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.

If books are not good company, where shall I find it?

Man - a figment of God's imagination.

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.

Distance lends enchantment to the view.

Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.

The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them.