Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die..

Tragedy is what happens to me; comedy is what happens to you..

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes..

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said..

You want to be as smart as you can about being stupid..

Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We're unrehearsed..

I knew it... I'm surrounded by assholes!.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit..

When I was a little kid, if somebody said they were thirty-five, I'd say "Oooh, they're going to die soon". But as I get older it doesn't mean a thin….

Comedy is serious - deadly serious. Never, never try to be funny! The actors must be serious. Only the situation must be absurd. Funny is in the writ….

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you..

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets..

Be interested in everything. You don't have to adore it. I don't adore hip-hop, I don't think it's great music, but I'm interested, I listen. I watch….

The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly..

If you're alive, make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death..

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom..

Feeling different, feeling alienated, feeling persecuted, feeling that the only way to deal with the world is to laugh - because if you don't laugh y….

Cat angels are the reason there are no mice angels..

If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country..

I've been taught ever since I was a kid that sex is filthy and forbidden, and that's the way I think it should be. The filthier and more forbidden it….

I love spaghetti and sex, sometimes together. My dream of heaven is walking naked through fields of pasta fazool..