I think gay people deserve all the same rights as everybody else, it's just that marriage is specifically for a man and a woman..

I calculated that if I wrote five pages a day, which seemed very doable, I would have an 1,800-page first draft when the deadline rolled around. Thou….

I am very athletic, actually, and I'm good at most sports. But I was never a successful athlete, because I have a lot of trouble with authority. To b….

For me, Twitter works best as a way of taking pictures of being stuck in traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. If people really want to read really funny q….

In my perfect world order, it is cold all the time. Everyone wears sweaters and drinks coffee. People don't speak to each other; they read the newspa….

I'm not sure why I like cats so much. I mean, they're really cute obviously. They are both wild and domestic at the same time..

The only Train song I like is the one that I play in my act "Drops Of Jupiter". Sheryl Crow has three or four songs that I like; also Dave Matthews B….

I think narcissists are endlessly watchable. The way they view the world and the way they interact within the world..

I knew that if I was going to write a book, I was going to have to read one, too..

I like the comedians that go into detail and tell longer stories..

That's the thing that most people don't realize. In real life, comedians aren't funny. They save it. They save it up..

A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It m….

I was kind of in an experimental phase with The Disposable Rappers. This is boring to me, because it's true, but when I was a sophomore in high schoo….

A big reason why we were able to and have been able to continue to succeed is that we had a very intense work ethic, right from the beginning. There ….

I tend to a lot of improvisational ranting, and that's fun. For me, stand-up has been, performance-wise, a really good outlet..

If your dad is anything like mine, then you have no clue what to buy him for Father's Day. The only Father's Day tradition in my family is the annual….

I don't audition for "on-air" commercials - the ones where your face can be seen. I've auditioned for voiceover campaigns that I haven't gotten, but ….

I like silly things. I think that "silly-stupid" or "stupid-smart" might be my philosophy, which is to combine a veneer of intelligence with an under….

I'm writing a memoir. I'm four pages in. I start with my first memory, which is kicking my uncle in the balls. I was four..

In real life, comedians aren't funny..

Love is such a confusing word. You think I'm joking but I'm not..