The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is..

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans..

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial..

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents..

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, you….

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if ….

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you..

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness..

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception..

To succeed in comedy you ultimately have to put in the hours and get lucky - The amount of people who are able to break through is so small a fractio….

You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists..

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees..

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated..

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more ….

I feel like people have more in common than the news reports. People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depre….

Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy. People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people back promptly. The Will to Whate….

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in….

I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing something else then in the next few ye….

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream.

I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'.

There is no such thing as #1 in art..