There's a fear that I don't think people are interested in my actual opinion. I just think people are interested in me being funny..

You need to update your blog a couple of times a week. You need to post a Twitter here and there. It feels so dumb to say that stuff, but it's import….

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want..

You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower..

In my senior year of high school, I was working at a dealership washing cars. For some reason, I asked them to give me a shot as a salesman for a shi….

People can write jokes five minutes after a major world event happens, and have hundreds of thousands of people read them within 10 minutes. Whereas ….

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?.

The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating..

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I ….

I don't know if people really care about my opinion on things or how I come up with things, and maybe that's an insecurity and why we're comedians in….

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter..