I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions..

When I was a really young child, I felt like I could see fairies. I was convinced there were fairies in my grandmother's garden..

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to ge….

No means yes in grasshopper language..

You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once..

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for..

When you start, it's not to do with the material so much. It's more to do with how you can control a crowd and make friends with an audience and sell….

People said, ‘You must be mad, or on drugs,’ which I found a bit disappointing. What about imagination? It reflects our time that people sooner assum….

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised t….

When you're a kid and someone's an artist, you think of Leonardo da Vinci. You don't think that's a job; you just think of a man with a beard paintin….

I'd have to do unannounced gigs because your fans will laugh at everything because they know what you do already. What you really want is a neutral a….

I always wanted to travel around and see lots of America, I'd never been to Boston, I'd never been to San Francisco even, so I'm quite excited to jus….

I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments..

Some people have a fear of being on stage. I have a fear of coming off it..

My mum and dad are both really funny. My granddad's really funny, my uncle's really funny, everyone's really funny. You have to be quick, otherwise y….

I visited a friend in Leicester recently. It was 4am and we all ran around in a circle, six of us. It’s the most fun I’ve had since i was seven. And ….

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith..

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them..

I don't pick stuff up, I knock stuff down!.

If you're going to be a good standup, or a successful standup, or a standup who can work for money, you have to eliminate the possibility of dying qu….