Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Sta….

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win..

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl..

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others..

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid..

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals..

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today..

It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then anoth….

The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making..

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time..

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit..

The only two TV shows I saw do that, where they don't warm them up and you can really bomb, was Saturday Night Live - and that's why it gets a lot of….

I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on 'Late Night.' We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio ….

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most….

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious..

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle..

There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none..

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny..

Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable feli….

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly..

You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway..