In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president..

Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I h….

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying..

Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with….

In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter..

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'Y….

I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?.

It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies..

Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk..

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird..

I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar..

The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down..

Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with..

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check..

I don't need adult supervision..

I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan..

I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not ….

I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good..

The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot..

Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?.

I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off..