There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has made. and when that time comes at ….

The world is your oyster... ...too bad you're allergic to shellfish..

I hate bananas. I just hate them. But I also think a banana suit is the funniest fruit costume a person can wear..

It’s like someone who prays every night saying God’s a good listener. Just because you’re talking to us doesn’t mean we’re listening. With me and God….

If Tolstoy were alive today and working at Panopticon Insurance, he'd say that all insurance companies are the same, then throw himself through an ei….

Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky..

at first I thought you were just using me" she said "I definitely am." I just wasn't sure for what. "Asshole!" she said, and punched me in the side. ….

But really it’s condescending and patronizing not to make fun of someone because they’re old or stupid or crippled or morbidly obese. Banged up peopl….

In the long term everyone traffics in foregone conclusions, and in the short term they just get drunk. This is the way it has always been. Some half-….

Mockery when done without prejudice or discretion, can be a form of respect. It's the closest we'll ever come to true equality..

If stealing a few saltshakers was wrong I didn't want to be right..

Anybody can make something up and have it sound believable. The hard part is remembering all the lies you've told, and all the people you've told the….

And when they start talking, and they always do, you find that each of them has a story they want to tell. Everyone, no matter how old or young, has ….

Cowardice, when done correctly, can be its own kind of bravery..