As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfol….

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy..

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then som….

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny..

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!.

We look at the ancient Greeks with their gods on a mountain top throwing lightning bolts and say, 'Those ancient Greeks. They were so silly. So primi….

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the sa….

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record..

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And ….

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans..

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body..