Occupation: Comedian Birth: March 30, 1957
If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts..
It turns out most of the conclusions that I've come to in life have equally valid contradictions. I think it's true you need to make a plan, set a go….
And after you've done the acting, there's a lot of places you can put your input - in the editing, in the production of it, in the rewriting of it an….
New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Hea….
When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same we….
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption..
In the original draft I was 27 and Peter was 55 in the script. That's not the same as a guy in his 40s and a dad in the end of his 70s. It's a differ….
Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the r….
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not..
There's something very refreshing about being on stage..
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, b….
Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that..
We had the boy's name picked out, but we didn't have a girl's. When he turned out to be a boy, we were so relieved. Literally, in the middle of contr….
Two or three times a week, I drive by the houses of numbers 78-100 just to rub it in..
From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each othe….
The best part of being married is... you don't have to explain a lot of things. Those wordless moments when you both know that what you witnessed tog….
Happiness is the quiet lull between problems..
I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down..
When my son said, "I can't stop thinking about girls," I said, "That's not gonna stop. Congratulations. You're in the club. From now until the day yo….
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push..
Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently..