I just saw Titanic, which is a $200 million film about a real-life disaster at sea, but according to Hollywood Logic, none of the actual passengers w….

Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile ho….

I never got that show - Les Miz. It's about the French guy, right, who steals a loaf of bread, and then he suffers for the rest of his life. For Toas….

As a writer, I need an enormous amount of time alone. Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watchin….

Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey..

Because there’s a clock attached to every beautiful woman. From the second she comes into her own, she begins to decline, because she begins to age. ….

Dysmorphia is when someone looks in the mirror, and sees something else. While I studied my own whatever I was, I decided that maybe everyone has at ….

There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy..

wait," I said. "so you're saying that you proposed to me because I'm a mess and I'm a person and because we need each other, while Rebecca was —— som….

Have you ever been to a picnic? And someone blows up a balloon, and everyone starts tossing it around, and it's always just about to touch the ground….

I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks..

Most convicted felons are just people who were not taken to museums or Broadway musicals as children..

Most gay bashers will be wearing what gay people had on four years earlier - only in polyester with a Penney's label..

I just hate that gay role models are supposed to be just like straight people, as if even straight people are like that..

I think people who make checklists are the most miserable and alone because they are looking for the perfect Entenmann's that is delicious and has no….

I work sometimes from outlines, which are immediately abandoned. Sometimes, when I'm trying to find the characters, I'll sketch things out a bit. Som….

Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials..

I was once all by myself in a house on Fire Island. Where I compared the original cast recordings of two different versions of The Wild Party. A heli….

Whenever I stumble over my own feet, or blurt out a thought that makes no sense at all, or leave the house wearing one pattern too many, I always thi….

And so I continue in borderline poverty, save for my one indulgence, no, my single absolute necessity: I take cabs. Yes, on occasion, when I wish to ….

According to Hollywood logic, none of the actual Titanic passengers was interesting enough, so the writer-director had to invent a Romeo and Juliet-s….