I love [my parents], but what if I could really talk to them? I mean, what if they had some answers? Or would that just be too weird?.

Writing is 90% procrastination. It is a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the ….

If God didn't want you to have it, He would never have let you see it..

wait," I said. "so you're saying that you proposed to me because I'm a mess and I'm a person and because we need each other, while Rebecca was —— som….

There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy..

Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile ho….

According to Hollywood logic, none of the actual Titanic passengers was interesting enough, so the writer-director had to invent a Romeo and Juliet-s….

Dysmorphia is when someone looks in the mirror, and sees something else. While I studied my own whatever I was, I decided that maybe everyone has at ….

I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks..

Whenever I stumble over my own feet, or blurt out a thought that makes no sense at all, or leave the house wearing one pattern too many, I always thi….

Because there’s a clock attached to every beautiful woman. From the second she comes into her own, she begins to decline, because she begins to age. ….

Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials..

As a writer, I need an enormous amount of time alone. Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watchin….

Most gay bashers will be wearing what gay people had on four years earlier - only in polyester with a Penney's label..

I never got that show - Les Miz. It's about the French guy, right, who steals a loaf of bread, and then he suffers for the rest of his life. For Toas….

Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey..

I work sometimes from outlines, which are immediately abandoned. Sometimes, when I'm trying to find the characters, I'll sketch things out a bit. Som….

I was once all by myself in a house on Fire Island. Where I compared the original cast recordings of two different versions of The Wild Party. A heli….

Most convicted felons are just people who were not taken to museums or Broadway musicals as children..

I think people who make checklists are the most miserable and alone because they are looking for the perfect Entenmann's that is delicious and has no….

I just saw Titanic, which is a $200 million film about a real-life disaster at sea, but according to Hollywood Logic, none of the actual passengers w….