I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their sh….

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you ….

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision..

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time..

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that..

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling..

I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone..

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end ….

I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen..

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long..

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off..

The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community..

My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my bro….

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding..

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take….

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics,….

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer..

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do ….

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility..

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my….