God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways.

Much better than the feeling of having things is the feeling of having earned things..

Comedy is taken care of by a free market..

Thou shalt not take anything on faith.

People need to be fed, medicated, educated, clothed, and sheltered, and if we're compassionate we'll help them, but you get no moral credit for forci….

Tolerance is you saying something crazy and me smiling and saying, 'That's nice.'.

Never ascribe to conspiracy that which can be attributed to ignorance..

Behaving morally because of a hope of reward or a fear of punishment is not morality..

One of the things that Teller and I are obsessed with, one of the reasons that we're in magic, is the difference between fantasy and reality. That is….

I'm really happy with all the art that was inspired by religion, and I think I'd be tickled to little tiny pieces if art in the future was inspired b….

The cliche of the nerdy kid who doesn't go outside and just plays games is completely untrue. And it's also true for the nerdy kid who studies comic ….

Two things have always been true about human beings. One, the world is always getting better. Two, the people living at that time think it's getting ….

When 9/11 hit, the second thing I said to myself was, 'This really is what religious people do.' Those people flying the plane were very good, very p….

There are two things that have been true throughout history in big hunks. You can find differences in ten years, but in 50 year hunks, 100 years hunk….

A joke is a way to say, 'I'm going to do something funny now. If I don't get a laugh at the end, I'm a failure.'.

The secret truth of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is that it isn't very hard... 'Celebrity Apprentice' is easy like junior high is easy. All the arithmetic,….

There never was a God. 'God is dead' is a halfway measure I won't go with..

One of the things that Teller and I are obsessed with, one of the reasons that we're in magic, is the difference between fantasy and reality..

If I go out to dinner with you and you order wine, I leave. I won't be around drugs and alcohol at all..

Once you have somebody that is telling you, 'We are interpreting God for you,' it seems like you either agree or you don't. You either say, like Mart….

Don't waste too much time wishing, hoping, and being envious; it'll make you bugnutty..