There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed..

I feel ghostly unreal until I become somebody else again on the screen..

I writhe when I see myself on the screen. I'm such a dreadfully clumsy hulking image. I say to myself, "Why doesn't he get off? Why doesn't he get of….

Conversation like television set on honeymoon... unnecessary..

Women are more difficult to handle than men. It's their minds..

I am here to fix the problem with yer pheaun..

Relax, I'll get it. (said to Kato after Clouseau knocks him unconscious).

To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat..

Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my ….

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room..

Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?.

If you ask me to play myself, I will not know what to do. I do not know who or what I am..

Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this..

Facts - behind them lies the whole fabric of deductive truth..

We don't want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to, now do we Jack?.

You have to live before you die, or you'll die before you live..

Some forms of reality are so horrible we refuse to face them, unless we are trapped into it by comedy. To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is ….

Clouseau: Does yer dewg bite? Inn Keeper: No Clouseau: Nice Doggy (bends down to pet a dachshund - it snarls and bites him) I thought you said yer de….

To see me as a person on screen would be one of the dullest experiences you could ever wish to experience..

You'll catch your death of cold. Clouseau: Yes, yes I probably will but . . . its all part of life's rich pageantry, you kneau..

If I can't really find a way to live with myself, I can't expect anyone else to live with me..