Occupation: Comedienne Birth: July 17, 1917 Death: August 20, 2012
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows..
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing..
I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest..
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home..
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation..
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight..
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one..
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the e….
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12..
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type..
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing..
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband..
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush..
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn..
I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players..
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing..
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate..
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough..
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs..
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition..
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.".