I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate..

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate..

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public..

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight..

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied….

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works….

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type..

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot..

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned..

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down..

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12..

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children….

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office..

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his..

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once..

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it..

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought..

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought..

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or bel….