I want to do well and I want to fit in..

My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked..

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out..

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity..

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly..

I had a very Italian house - the "plastic furniture you couldn't sit on" house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it's traumatic. Towels y….

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up..

I love standup and I haven't given it up..

I was wracked with insecurity..

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character..

I do still get intimidated by certain things..

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from..

Without identical twins, you'll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror becau….

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life..

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins ….

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one j….

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and the….

I do what I do because I love it..

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two..

I was at home waiting for projects. I was on Parenthood and there was one season left, and I was thinking, "What's next?" I'm at this age where I'm t….

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child..