I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em..

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a….

I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy..

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard..

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away..

God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being..

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner..

I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'..

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds..

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime..

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it..

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two..

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born..

I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt mos….

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought h….

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy s….