Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?.

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?.

I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're….

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death..

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet a….

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend..

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky one….

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt..

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example..

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it..

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins..

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holder….

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him..

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would b….

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type i….

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensiti….

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she….

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right..

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die y….